Dear Sisters,
I am in need of communal wisdom, and I hope you can help. I have a young daughter attending BYU-Idaho who is on the verge of becoming engaged. This is of course, not a unique situation, but as a mother who married young myself, I have concerns. By all indications the Boy seems to be a very charming and righteous young man, although we have not yet met. Still, this is her first real relationship and things are moving quickly.
For those of you who were married young, what do you wish someone had told you before you became engaged. What do you wish you had known? My daughter understands that I am not trying to talk her into or out of anything, and is pretty receptive to what I have to say. I am not trying to persuade her, but I don't wan't her to say (many years from now) "Why didn't anyone tell me __________?" How would you fill in the blank? What have you had to learn the hard way?
No names please. Sign your note with pseudonym or initials so I can quote you anonymously. If I get at least a few wise responses, I will work them all into a lovely attempt at an essay/open letter to young brides to be, and share it with everyone.
I am looking forward to an outpouring of wisdom.
Thanks.
I married young and would not recommend it. I didn't know MYSELF enough then, so how could I ever know enough to get married FOR TIME AND ALL ETERNITY???!!! Once I got married, I learned right away that the support for young marrieds in the Church was virtually non-existent. It is probably a lot different for those who live in a college environment, but we didn't. We were no longer part of the YSA group, yet we didn't really fit in with the other married couples because we didn't have kids. So that is where we made our next big mistake. We got pregnant. That is another thing I don't recommend. If you get married young, wait at least a year (three would be better, in my opinion) to start adding children to the mix. Spend some time alone as a couple getting to know each other first because once you have kids, you can't go back. Now, none of this is to say that you can't do all these things. I just wouldn't recommend them. Take your time and don't rush into anything. Make sure that you not only love the guy, but make sure you have common interests, common goals, common values. Make sure you are compatible. Do you have fun with him? Are there things that bother you, but you want to overlook those things because you are afraid of letting him slip away? I have a friend who is twice-divorced and has recently been dating. She meets these guys that she thinks are great, but they have certain "flaws" that she tries to overlook. These nagging little feelings eventually end up becoming "too much" and the relationships fizzle. Afterward, she can look back and clearly see that those feelings were warnings that she should have heeded. Just be careful. Ask for other people to give you honest assessments of this guy and your relationship with him. Be prepared to not like some of the answers but pay close attention to the answers. Do not try to rationalize! Maybe this guy IS "the ONE," and, if so, that is great! But LISTEN to older women's opinions of him and of the two of you together because the older ladies can usually see trouble (in everyone else's relationships---not necessarily their own!) Friends your own age will not give the best advice because they don't have enough life experience yet. GOOD LUCK!!! PRAY and LISTEN to the promptings you receive!!!
ReplyDeleteI agree with all 'nomyheck' posted. Especially the part of asking older woman what they think. As strange as it sounds encourage her to witness him in stressful situations, with children, animals and the elderly. How he treats these more vulnerable groups and out of the ordinary occurances may be a good indicator of his future actions.
ReplyDeleteAnother thing a friendly mother told me was to ask about his finances, how much debt would you marry into to. What are his financial plans for living as the brethern suggest, debt free. How does he expect to support a family and what he expects from his wife financially.
Marrying young can be a good thing, if as a couple they strive to grow-up together and not grow apart as the seasons change their priorities. Good, realistic communication about the future is essential in any relationship.
M2A
No_my_heck -- have you been reading my journal? wow - talk about hitting the nail on the head.
ReplyDeleteNow I will throw my hat into the arena and try not to repeat the above comments as I type.
We live in a big LDS world that is some times confusing. We teach our girls that marriage and motherhood are the ideal life. Our lessons in church are about marriage and family. Then, when our girls want to marry young -- we panic. Rightfully so! We hold motherhood in high regard and then we advise our young soon to be married daughters to go on birth control - months before the wedding of course. Then, (hopefully) we go with them to the temple and stand by their sides as they convenant to become "one" with their mate and the Lord - with the SOLE purpose of creating a family (having babies) Wow! This is so confusing.
For me- I had dated a lot before I got married - and I dated a wide variety of young men. I felt that this helped me to really know what I liked and didn't like in a mate. I had it all figured out! Wrong. I still had some surprises! Some I have adjusted to and some still bother me after 26 years.
Why didn't anyone tell me that I should have paid more attention to how my "true love" treated his mother and his family members? I think that how a young man treats his mother/sisters is a great witness of how he values women.
Do you know how he feels about child rearing? Is he going to be an "informed participant"? One who will read and is willing to learn- to work with you as one to raise children?
Do you have activities and interest in common? After all "he" is supposed to be your best friend. The last time I checked on my best friends, the ones I enjoy spending the most time with - we have common interest, common views and so forth.
The BEST thing I have heard recently is a father sitting down with his daughter's soon to be fiance' and using the Proclamation on The Family as a guide to interview this young man and learn his intensions with his daughter. It pretty much covers just about everything.
So, maybe if they don't want to involve the father of the girl, the two love birds could sit down with a Bishop, respected mature couple or if needs be, just themselves and discuss this most important Proclamation LINE upon LINE, Precept upon Precept. Of course, this would only be possible if they intend to live the gospel.
I for one, wish I had not married young. I was 21 and in many ways ready to move onto that stage and yet-- I wish I had been more developed as an adult. I wish I had been more secure in who I was, better educated, more emotionally stable. And yet, maybe not all those things can come at an early age.
I have to agree with M2A and say that if the couple is aware that there is maturing to do and they STRIVE to do this together as one -with the Lord at the center, they can have success. But there are NO guarantees.
I truly believe that in our church there is NOT enough marital preparation for engaged couples and definately not enough follow up support for newly married couples. This is THE biggest decision of your life and yet, no real training or preparation. Then you throw babies and child rearing into the mix -- they don't come with manuals either. We spend 4+ years preparing for a career -- why so little on our eternal choice of a partner?
I strongly recommend that the guy read, "letters to phillip" (my hubs needs to read that again). girl read is "how to be the wife of a happy husband" and TOGETHER read a book on marriage and intimacy. This is HUGE.
I echo both ladies in their comments fully! Thanks for going first gals!
PH
First of all. There is no such thing as a perfect marriage. It doesn't matter the age you get married. Their will always be struggles. I have learned more about myself since being married than
ReplyDeleteI ever could have by myself. As far as the "not enough preparing and training available in the church for marriage" comment. We have been traing for marriage since the day we were born. Watching our parents interact and learn from each other. the Faith in God program,the Young Womens program all put in place to train us to be better adults, wives and mothers.
One thing my mother told me that helps me through any marriage trials is that it is NOT a 50/50. Sometimes we give more and sometimes we need more. The hard part in learning to recognize that. This is something you can not learn about yourself while living without a partner. Just my thoughts.
Marriage is special. Marriage is sacred. As long as both him and her agree and are working towards the same goals with Christ in the center of their lives it WILL work.
I was also married young in the temple.. I feel like temple marriage can be a huge blessing, or sometimes the biggest mistake. Temple marriage is a huge decision, one of the biggest you will make in your life! In fact, probably, the biggest decision you will ever make. It effects not only your eternities, but also the eternities of your family!! I never really truly thought about the ramifications of that when I was still so young.
ReplyDeleteI will tell you my story to maybe spare you some trouble. I thought I was marrying the best person I could, after all, I had always been taught that if you married another righteous person things would work out! You can obviously see how unprepared for marriage I really was. I was so naive! Needless to say the returned missionary that I thought was my handsome prince soon turned into a dark knight! Not a good situation to be in and have children and cherish the covenants you have made.
If there is one thing I wish I could get through to every young woman it is first, no, he is not the only one that will ever ask you to marry him, two, you can never know enough about the other person, and three, this decision is way too huge to make while you know so little about yourself. If you both love each other, he will still be there when you are older.
Thank Heaven that Heavenly Father knew the pain I was in, and sadly, or happily my first marriage ended in a temple divorce! I do not tell you this lightly, as I do not like to bring this up, but in this situation, I will talk about it if only to keep other young girls from naively entering the temple without really thinking about who they are marrying! I am not one to make covenants lightly, so this has hurt me for years.
Thankfully, Heavenly Father saw to it to put the love of my life in front of my family and I, and I have been married and sealed to him for many happy years. My children have a wonderful father and I have the best husband I could ever have. The second time though, I knew what I was looking for and asked him tons of questions! He is a mature, loving, hard working, adventerous person, who as you can tell is also my best friend! Take it from me, skip the bad part, and do not marry until you know this person will stay your best friend for life.
Now, I can easily picture my eternal mate and I sitting on our front porch together and rocking holding hands. Being with my best friend forever is what temple marriage is all about. It is not about marrying the first returned missionary you find! Learn to love yourself, and your family, and have some life lessons behind you. Trust me when I say you have plenty of time! Do not waste it wishing you were not with someone. Spend it enjoying your life!!
Thankfully, the Lord has created a way for us to speak with Him on this important matter. Remember that you are entitled to receive revelation. I got married young, and I wouldn't change a thing. However, it has been MUCH harder than I anticipated. But struggling together can bring great blessings and closeness.
ReplyDeleteSomething I wish I had known before was about "love languages." This is the theory that different people give and receive love through different ways. There is a link here: http://www.5lovelanguages.com/ Reading this helps to understand how to best communicate and feel love with each other.
Pray, and don't worry about what others may think. Make sure this is a decision that feels right in your heart and in your mind (emotionally and logically). Be sure of the decision, because on tough days you will revisit that reassurance that you made the right choice. And remember that the Lord is there to help you through this time.